Wednesday, April 21, 2010

This Saturday, it has been a year that we found out that we were having a girl but also the time that we found out that our precious little one had something on her lung that shouldn't be there.  That is when my world felt like it was falling apart.  We didn't know exactly what we were about to face but we knew that God was in control, NOT US!

As I sit here with a snoring baby laying next to me, I thanked God for protecting her and then I finally broke!  I have been off mentally and emotionally for a year, the guilt has been so heavy.  What did I do to her to make her not healthy?  I have had so much time alone since Christopher was gone for 7 months and my family isn't right down the road so my mind would never shut off, just thinking, worrying, praying.  I thought that I was at peace with her having a mass until we took her in for surgery, that's when I just became numb.  She was going to have a scar for the rest of her life, what did I do wrong?  I have been told by the greatest doctors in Michigan that I didn't do anything and they still don't know what causes these types of mass's (pulmonary sequestration) but as a Mother, it is so hard.  I am so very thankful that the mass was removed successfully and that she is healing well, I still don't want to put her down since it was a few too many days that I just had to look at her and touch her without holding her.  Christopher has been my rock and has kept everything together but he doesn't understand what I am feeling and maybe I'm just emotional right now but in time, this too shall pass!

I can't thank you all enough for the prayers and support you have given to our family! 

1 comment:

My Purpose said...

While I've never had to go through with my boys what you've went through with Isabell, I can imagine the heartache you have thinking you did (even though you know in your heart of hearts that you didn't) cause something for Isabell to have a mass.

But God is good! He's looked after her during your pregnancy and after and look at the smiles your baby girl gives you! She loves you.... she's here, she's healthy and obviously, very happy.

You are one very awesome Momma ... and Chris, is an awesome Daddy. You guys are so strong and it's an inspiration to see the love you two have for each other and also your baby girl.

I'm glad to hear Isabell is recovering nicely and pretty smoothly.

Much love and hugs from VA!
Jenn